


I Warned You About the Mob

by kumarei



Category: MS Paint Adventures, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-01
Updated: 2012-09-01
Packaged: 2017-11-13 07:10:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/500842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kumarei/pseuds/kumarei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The mob killed Sweet Bro. Hella Jeff isn’t just going to stand around, though. He’s going to get revenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Warned You About the Mob

Hella Jeff stands beside his best friend’s open grave. It isn’t raining, but the sky is covered over by clouds, and every so often there is a crack of thunder from somewhere far away. Around Jeff, graves rise up like orchids. Sweet Bro’s is the tallest. It stands taller than Sweet Bro did, back when he was alive.

Jeff sighs. “I warned you about the mob, Bro. I told you, dog.”

Geromy stands off to the side.

Jeff turns. He takes a hamburger out of his trench coat. The trench coat is the color of blue paint, and the hamburger is at least five days old. Hella Jeff takes a bite of it.

“I’ll get them for you Bro.” Chunks of spittle and burger fly from his mouth. “I’ll get those fuckers if it’s the last thing I do.”

He gets back in his car, which is parked on top of the grave of William Robert Sampson III, Jr. The backseat is full of guns, rocket launchers, and fresh bags of hamburgers. Jeff lights up a toke and takes a hit. Then he drives off, knocking over gravestones as he goes. Seven miles away, a ghost sheds a single tear.

Geromy follows on his giraffe.

————

There is a certain textile factory where they manufacture gravestones. The factory is dirty, with grime covering the walls and splotches of hamburger on the ceiling. On rows and rows of work benches, textiles are painstakingly produced. Sweet Bro bursts in the door. He points into the air. “These aren’t gravestones, these are tea cozies!”

The squirrels look up at him. An air of hunger pervades the room. Bro looks out into their gathered eyes, and, despite himself, a shiver runs down his spine. He doesn’t look away, though.

The squirrels, being territorial, take this as a challenge. They swarm him, covering him in a sea of flesh and fur. He can feel his flesh being torn apart by their little claws. It seems to go on forever, but actually the flow of time is warping as the squirrels combine into one flowing mega-squirrel. Finally it leaves. Bro’s pockets are empty. It’s taken all of his money.

A shadow falls over top of him, and Sweet Bro feels a chill. “Bro. You’ve caught the attention of somebody that you shouldn’t have. Be more careful next time, or it might be you inside the soup.”

Bro can’t move or speak. He just lays there, a broken man. A cockroach crawls out of his ear and into his bright red tracksuit, looking for hamburgers. It doesn’t find any.

————

Jeff pulls up outside of the gravestone factory. He pushes open the foreboding gate, which creaks ominously as it opens. Above the door to the factory is a sign that reads, “Valley High Mental Asylum.” Hella Jeff punches his palm with his fist, and then steps forward.

He turns the door handle, but it doesn’t turn. He keeps turning, but it keeps not happening. Finally, he pulls it turn-wise and it opens. “Bro, if only you were here to tell me to flip it turn wise.” He goes inside.

The squirrels are working hard at their textile tables. Above him, the lamps illuminate the whole place in an eerie green light. The place smells like tea.

Jeff walks forward, intending to confront the squirrels, but a few steps in he runs into a barrier. He pushes against it. At first it doesn’t budge, but then finally it begins to fall over. Jeff feels a dizzying sensation as the entire room in front of him tilts and falls to the floor.

The squirrels at benches, the green lamplight, the tea smell… all of them were a painting on a cardboard cutout of the room. A cardboard cutout that Jeff has just knocked over. Behind it, Jeff finds a scene that was initially hidden from him.

There is a giant clock. According to the clock, it’s seventeen minutes from midnight. Below the clock, a man is bound and gagged, tied to a chair. Jeff walks up to him and takes off the gag. “Tell me what I need to know.”

“I can’t.” The man looks away. “They might be listening.”

“I’m listening. You should be more worried about that.” Jeff punches the man in the face.

“Ouch. Okay, stop. Geez. I was going to tell you anyway. You didn’t have to hit me.”

Jeff punches him again.

“Owww! Okay!” The man lowers his voice. “Sweet Bro might still be alive.”

“What?”

“They didn’t kill him right away. They just put him in the soup. It can take a long time for someone to die from that. He’ll be dead soon, though. You have to hurry.”

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know. They didn’t tell me.”

Jeff punches the man again.

“Ow! I’m telling the truth!”

“I know.” Jeff turns. “It’s just the way the world works, though. Things keep happening.”

Jeff goes back to his car. When he gets inside, he lights up another marijuana cigarette and takes a hit. Then he thinks. Slowly, it all comes together in his mind.

He puts his car into gear and speeds back to the graveyard.

————

Jeff’s tires squeal as he arrives back in the graveyard. He knocks over headstones as he pulls to a stop. He jumps out and rushes to Sweet Bro’s gravestone.

“This isn’t a gravestone, is it? It’s a tea cozy!” Hella Jeff grabs the tea cozy and pulls it until it comes off. Underneath is a giant teapot. Jeff climbs on top of it and, with great effort, removes the lid.

Sweet Bro is inside of it, laying facedown in a puddle of soup. Jeff grabs his tracksuit and pulls. It takes a lot of effort to pull him up, and then even more to get his distended body past the rim of the pot. Finally, though, Jeff manages it, and he dumps Bro’s body onto the ground.

He tries to listen for Bro’s heartbeat, but either Bro doesn’t have one or he’s too fat to hear it. Jeff leans over his face, trying to steel himself to blow air into Bro’s mouth, but he can’t do it. He leans forward and grimaces. Bro’s face smells like soup.

Geromy jumps off of his giraffe and pushes Jeff away. He breathes into Bro’s mouth. Bro sits up, coughing and sputtering, pushing Geromy away from him.

Finally he gets his breath back. “What happened?”

Jeff crouches next to his friend. “They put you in the soup. How did you survive, Bro?”

“I ate it dude,” Bro says.

They sit there in silence for a while. The only sound is the soup sloshing around Bro’s distended insides.

Then suddenly a ghost runs up to them. “You! You’re the one that keeps knocking over my gravestone!”

Jeff looks at the ghost in surprise. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

He’s interrupted by Sweet Bro putting a finger to his lips. Sweet Bro jumps up and walks over to the ghost. “There’s no such thing as ghosts, so who are you really?” He rips off the ghost’s mask.

Underneath is Michael Jordan. “I’m sorry guys. It was Halloween, and I didn’t have a costume, so I decided to be a ghost.”

“Hmm…” Sweet Bro considers. “Something isn’t right. Wait, I know! There’s no such thing as Michael Jordan!”

Sweet Bro rips off Michael Jordan’s mask. Underneath is the mob.

“Oh no, it’s the mob!”

The mob scowls. “I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you darn kids.” The mob starts strangling Sweet Bro.

“No way, I’m not losing you again!” Hella Jeff gets up and pushes the mob. The mob falls into Sweet Bro’s open grave.

“I warned you,” Hella Jeff says.

“I warned you about the grave,” Sweet Bro says.

“It just keeps happening!” The voice of the mob comes from far below the earth. “Aaaaaah!”

Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff high five and then get back into the car. Sweet Bro has to squeeze really hard to get in the door. Then they drive off, knocking over gravestones as they go.

Seven miles away, a ghost sheds a single tear.


End file.
